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May 23 2018

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they have matching hairstyles

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Long time since I posted an educative illustration.
This is not a pet care sheet but a wildlife awareness post.

Please respect possums, they are important for the environment and mean no harm.

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OMG everyone I know the ACTUAL story behind the gif this time!

Yes, it’s in Australia– that’s a big angry goanna that wandered into a popular restaurant. All the Australians in the vicinity went OH FUCK NO and cleared off, because goannas are mean.

The waitress you see there is a French exchange student, who was quoted as saying something to the effect of “I thought it was a weird ugly dog” and had no idea it was a reptile that wanted to rip her arms off. She’s been hailed as a hero who saved diners.

It’s amazing what power “not knowing” has.

The thing I especially love about this is this is a pretty dangerous animal, except she managed to defeat it by just fucking grabbing it by the tail and walking too quickly for it to turn around. Once again the animal kingdom is thwarted because we evolved opposable thumbs, long limbs, and reckless bravery.

what do dogs look like in france???




know what I always disliked when i was growing up? when adults would tell me not to say i hated something because “hate is a strong word.” yeah???? so???? im 9 and i have strong feelings

They had a point though, reckless use of words never works out.

shut the fuck up. i hate you and i hate this dumbass comment

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This turned me gay

Being reminded of this as a queer adult is so wild because you realize some very overt shit. Like, Bobby emits ice from his whole body. Grabbing the bottle was enough! In fact, he didn’t even have to grab the bottle, a simple poke would have worked or he could have shot ice from a distant. Him blowing on this bottle was 3000% overt flirting and honestly the gayest thing I’ve probably ever seen a mutant use their powers for and Wolverine was here for it all and no one will tell me differently.

It’s that eye contact

Wow, who knew wolverine was trade

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Snopes Guide to the 2017 Solar Eclipse.

Don’t believe everything you read on chalkboards outside of pet stores.

As a zookeeper I can promise none of the keepers are going to lock their animals inside or cover their eyes with tiny animal eclipse glasses. Nor are a good portion of wild animals going to go blind during the eclipse.

Animals are smarter than humans in that they already know instinctively to look away from something that’s so bright even a glance is painful, and don’t need to be told that staring at the fucking sun at any time is a bad idea.






I’m thinking about her

forbidden fruit

Why do grown ass adults want to eat Tide pods so much?

Because a ton of the visual/olfactory/textural sensory information these pods give me the match nutritionally-dense fruit. It’s got the oleic gleam of something high-fat like an avocado, but bright carotenoid-rich coloration like a berry that wants to be eaten by red-seeing primates and birds. It tends to smell sweet and slightly floral, enhancing that effect. Similarly, when you hold it, it is quite dense (denser than water), but very soft and liquid, once again reaffirming that this “fruit” has either high sugar or high fat content and almost no cellulose to it.

As a result, within me is a less-clever monkey just screaming to eat this delicious fruit in my hand about to go into the laundry, and it does in fact take willpower to tell him he’s a stupid monkey and this is a bubble of foul-tasting poison. But every time I do laundry, this fucking limbic monstrosity rises again and assures me it’s basically like a cherry but Even Better. I have legitimately debated just biting down on one in the hopes of inducing a deterrent memory to forestall this urge in the future, but that’s what my goddamn mammal-brain wants me to fucking do and I refuse to let it win.

Human Brain: Don’t eat the posion pod its fucking posion
Monkey Brain: Eat the fruit pod its fruit
Lizard Brain: The Washing Machine Is Vibrating Give It The Sex
Fish Brain: Climb inside the washing machine it is safe.



she’s out there making owl noises















Honestly, in the absence of autoimmune conditions that impose dietary restrictions, ANY diet that says that Homo Sapiens Sapiens, a species that is wildly successful in large part because we have spent the last six million or so years evolving to be opportunistic omnivores (and yes, that’s going back before any human species, to our common ancestor with chimpanzees, because chimps are also opportunistic omnivores and we both got that from our common ancestor) is not designed to eat __________, immediately trips my ‘bullshit’ alarms. 

We can eat just about any damn thing we can shove in our faces and chew. If it’s toxic, we may be able to cook it so it isn’t and still shove it in our faces and extract nutrition from it. We’ll sure as hell try. 

You are absolutely designed by millions of years of evolution to eat plants, animals, grains, fungi, whatever. ‘Original human diet’ my left asscheek. Show a Cro Magnon hunter a burger and fries and he’d be all over that shit.  

That said, maybe still avoid things like the insides of stone fruit pits, and manchineel fruit, and live venomous animals.

True. Kill the venomous animals first and de-venom them. 

We’d never have known if some poor souls hadn’t the courage to push the limits of human gastronomy.

I always wonder about the stories behind how we figured out which things were poison. 

“Oona at that mushroom and died. Don’t eat those. But THAT one…Ayna ate that one and absofuckinlutely tripped balls. Grab more of those.” 

One time I asked how anyone first thought to make/eat cheese and was told to “never underestimate the creativity of starving peasants.”

Very true. 

Even when something kills people who eat it we still try to play around with it until it stops killing people, like with kidney beans.

Then you get the people who somehow discovered that feeding reindeer certain types of poisonous mushrooms and proceeding to drink the reindeer piss causes you to trip balls and then the discovery of stuff like bread and cheese and alcohol make a lot more sense.

One trait seems to unite all human cultures; every goddamned one figures out some way to get absolutely and totally fucked up. 

i’m personally glad that most human cultures also figure out how to deep fat fry things. because getting totally fucked up is that much better with fried chicken.

This is the Truth. 

Human 1: Okay, we have this leftover vat of boiling oil. The stuff we throw on people as a siege weapon.

Human 2: I'ma dip my chicken in it.

Human 1: Fred no

Human 2: It cronch

i have spent many a late night hour, in various states of inebriation, considering how the first piece of fried chicken happened. this theory never occurred to me, but i sincerely thank you for sharing it.

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who keeps giving her these things

she ends up condemned too D:

damn bitch get it together

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The hero we need.

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I’ve never felt so threatened by a Winston before and he wasn’t even on the enemy team

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